


It's Not Going There

by Jesheckah



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 08:13:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20189107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jesheckah/pseuds/Jesheckah
Summary: Song fic to Lauv's "there's no way."Garik reflects back on a life spent orbiting Julian and the circumstances that led them to an ending no-one ever expected.





	It's Not Going There

**Author's Note:**

> This is pure un-betaed fluff / crack. I am sick and this is making me laugh, hopefully it makes you laugh.

_ You touch me and it's almost like we knew _

_ That there will be history between us two _

From the first time that we met it was like we were two sparks in the cosmos, destined to light each other up and burn until we consumed each other. A single glance across the ship sparked my curiosity more than it did yours, and soon it was all that I could do not to follow you around like a cardassian-gorehound pup. Even if the tension made you uncomfortable, you felt it too.

At first we discussed things of no consequence, fashion, food, literature, things that we could argue over and still come away with our hearts in tact. Things that wouldn’t let us slip deep into something we knew we could never return from. You in your green uniform, me in the guise of a lowly shop keeper, it was from that moment that you captured my heart.

_ We knew someday that we would have regrets _

_ But we just ignored them the night we met _

Our first meeting on the ship wasn’t our first. Our first was in a crowded bar during the war. Where those who had been outcast and felt that they needed to get away from it all came to suffer and to heal. A place where affiliation and rank meant nothing. We didn’t know each other then, but one night we woke together with a keg of Romulan ale nearby and a pleasant sting in places not discussed in polite company. No words were exchanged, they weren’t needed.

We went our own ways and didn’t even recognize each other on the space station at first. Both haunted by things we could not stop, both feeling rejected by the world, and both so desperate to connect with another being. But something inside told me that you would be good for me, an idea that I couldn’t help but reject. That same thing, this little voice, told me that someday I would regret denying the truth of it all, but honestly? I really didn’t care.

_ We just dance backwards into each other _

_ Trying to keep our feelings secretly covered _

Then we began the song and dance that consumed most of our lives before the departure of commander Sisco. Finding each other in positions that we were ashamed of, denying ourselves, pretending that we hadn’t found the one who fit like your own new skin after a shed. Pretending that we weren’t in love from the beginning. Rejecting each other with our bodies and minds.

Still we would find reasons to be around each other, to bother each other, to demand time from each other. You would come to my shop at all hours of the night, and often find me open, hoping to encounter you on one of your insomniac wanderings.

When something went wrong that was even tangentially related to the homeland I was exiled from you would seek me out. At first I thought that you found me a curiosity, a relic of a world that had long since passed me by. It was later that I realized you wanted to comfort me, to make sure that I was safe, and to give me a shoulder to cry on even though you weren’t willing or able to give more than that.

_ You touch me and it's almost like we knew _

_ That there will be history _

Still, with every touch, every time you checked me for something wrong, every brush of your hand, I felt something primal and warm curling up inside of me. Cardassians aren’t the kind to mate for life, we mate for as long as mutual feelings exist, making my angsty longings even more disgusting to me. Still, every single touch told me that there was more to come and it would be worth it.

I tried to throw myself into other things, to think only about safe topics, to give you the room that you needed. Somehow in the years that we spent together I began to grow and find in myself a strength that I didn’t know previously existed. The strength to have you in such a limited capacity if I couldn’t have you in the way that my hearts, my soul, and my mind called out for.

_ There's no way that it's not going there _

_ With the way that we're looking at each other _

Still, there were moments where I would find you staring at me, like you could see into my soul and were able to tell everything I had ever thought of you. There were moments where I felt like you could strip me bare.   
  
This was why I came to you when the pain from my implants became almost too much to bear. I felt that you already knew, that you wouldn’t mock me, and that despite my wounded pride you wouldn’t see me as less. You weren’t aware at the time how we would end up, but you still treated me with the dignity that I needed. I’ll never forget that in my weakest moments you treated me like I could take on the world. 

Truthfully, apart from a few shared looks and feeling like I could share my pain with you, I don’t think anything interesting really happened during that time. Our song and dance continued as if it was a static moment in time, with me pining for you and you finding your way through the universe on your own. Two celestial bodies unable to stabilize themselves long enough to think of anything else. 

_ There's no way that it's not going there _

_ Every second with you I want another _

Still I would seek you out on your breakfast missions, when you were walking to the infirmary, and when you couldn’t sleep and thought it was a good idea to roam the ship unarmed. Your reckless behavior made me cluck my tongue and think of boxing you around the ears more than once.   
  
Yet, every single time you entered the room I would find myself drawn to you like no other. Your small and bouncy self practically drew me in like a moth to an extremely volatile and playful flame. 

_ But maybe we can hold off one sec _

_ So we can keep this tension in check _

There were times I was happy that you were sent away. There were times I had to seek the company of someone else, times I couldn’t bear to be near you. I would see you, wandering through the station in the dead of night, unaware of my eyes on you as I tried to hard to block out the needs, desires, and feelings that flooded my broken and hopeless self. 

I found that to keep myself from confessing in the middle of the markets, begging you to take me at the steps of Quarks, I needed to avoid you at times. You alone were able to break down years worth of walls that I didn’t even realize I had. Something that scared me and made me wonder if I would ever be able to control myself around you and the person I assumed you would eventually love and break my heart for. 

_ I wish I could make the time stop _

_ So we could forget everything and everyone _

One time I came across you after you went on a date. You were wearing the most ridiculous sweater, which you claimed was a vintage earth item from the years 1987, and bawling into a drink that Quark didn’t water down near enough. Sobbing for the way that your heart had been broken. 

I hadn’t known what it felt like to be completely helpless up until that moment. To feel my heart break along with yours and to wish that time would stop so I could comfort you, tell you things that you needed to hear, and not jeopardize the relationship that we had. Instead I faded into the background, making sure no-one approached you, giving you space and time, the very things that were the enemy of my heart at that moment. Providing for you what my heart wished for so deeply. 

_ I wish that the time would line up _

_ So we could just give in to what we want _

One drunken night a few months later you found me on one of your walks, babbling to yourself about your luck with men, the way that you felt lonely and wondered if you were ever going to have a family, and how you wished you could love someone like me. Someone like me. The worst phrase I ever heard. The rejection, the hope, and the fear that phrase created are feelings I wouldn’t even wish upon my father. 

Still, when you tried to kiss me before passing out and hitting your teeth on my chest scales, I found myself hoping that I wasn’t involved with a lovely Klingon woman at that time. One who while friendly and kind, wasn’t you. Still, I am not a man who would cheat or betray someone who has entrusted me with their heart, so I said nothing and merely tucked you into bed before getting blackout drunk myself. 

'Cause when I got somebody, you don't

And when you got somebody, I don't

After that we continued on an extremely predictable ride towards heartbreak and self destruction. Gone were our talks about literature, clothing, or even the basics like food. The only time that we seemed to see each other was when we were recovering from having our hearts broken.   
  
It felt like we were seeking each other out at our lowest, hoping that we could find the other in a similar situation. Instead we both went through a variety of partners from one end of the galaxy to another, always pretending that they kept us satisfied.   
  
Still, you were the only one to see my cry after I received word of my childhood best friend’s death, and the only one to remember when my birthday was each and every year. It was almost comforting and it was almost enough. 

_ I wish that the time would line up _

_ So we could just give in _

_ There's no way that it's not going there _

_ With the way that we're looking at each other _

_ There's no way that it's not going there _

_ Every second with you I want another _

_ But maybe we can hold off one sec _

_ So we can keep this tension in check _

_ But there's no way that it's not going there _

_ With the way that we're looking at each other _

_ We just dance backwards into each other _

Still, shared glances across rooms, late night almost confessions, and arguments that hid other tensions continued. The desire to scream at you, to kiss you, to love you, and to hate you was all wrapped up in some little ball I couldn’t identify. So I tried to ignore it and hoped that you would do the same. 

_ Trying to keep our feelings secretly covered _

_ We just dance backwards into each other _

_ Trying to keep our feelings secretly covered _

_ You touched me and it's almost like we knew _

_ That there would be history _

_ There's no way that it's not going there _

_ With the way that we're looking at each other _

Then one day, at my lowest, when I had lost everything I thought that I had and was feeling so keenly the sting of betrayal, you were there. You were single, you were drunk, and together we went to bed. Not thinking of consequences, not thinking about the bonds that we were forging. We were just two hurt men, trying to find solace in something we had denied for so long.   
  
When I woke up alone, after I had held you in my hands, and knowing what I had whispered into your ear as you slept, I felt an emptiness I had never felt when thinking of Cardassia. An emptiness that just continued to grow when I learned that you had requested leave, sending yourself all the way back to Earth.   
  
“I told you to be satisfied with what you had, to not push him, to leave it alone.” This and more I told to myself every day that you were gone to that cold planet, I scolded myself for ever giving you the part of myself I had kept hidden away. I devised a plan to ignore you, to go back to polite conversation, to hide away my heart for the rest of my life. A plan I was sure I would be able to carry through with little difficulty. After all, hiding in pain and ignoring what was good for me might as well be the title of my memoir. 

_ There's no way that it's not going there _

_ Every second with you I want another _

But then I was walking in the main area of the market when you came back on your transport. When I saw you looking so broken and wearing no color. An action that vaguely reminded me of earth morning traditions. Your broken and downcast looks breaking down walls that took years to build. 

_ But maybe we can hold off one sec _

_ So we can keep this tension in check _

Even after I found out that you had left for a funeral, rushing to be at the deathbed of your mother, I couldn’t bring myself to be that intimate with you again. I couldn’t bring myself to be the one to bring down those walls again. I couldn’t approach you during the daylight and during the night I locked myself away, afraid to see you and face rejection. 

_ But there's no way that it's not going there _

_ With the way that we're looking at each other _

Thankfully it was your turn to know what we needed and to keep our love alive in your heart. While nursing a broken spirit you found it in yourself to love me in a way I hadn’t known I needed. You put together the pieces that made up the puzzle to my fucked up and confusing life. In silence you learned to love me and held the faith when I had given up.   
  
I’m so thankful you did, because otherwise I wouldn’t be marrying you today. And while I know you hate my tendency to ramble and the way that I am constantly telling you about the nest and home we will create, I hope that you will appreciate the memories I have of us through our journey.   
  
So today, in front of all these witnesses I lay myself bare and bind myself to you for as long as our hearts beat in tune. For every question that you have, for every exciting experience, for everything you want to share with me in the future, I am answering you now; I do.


End file.
